In response to Ms. SheenieinaBottle's Big Mouth post...

Sooo Ms. Sheen...I just gotta say...you handle your anger a lot better than I do.
You actually let it out and let other people see it.
I've always kept it inside...my mom has always said that she thinks other people get along with me so well because I'm so passive...not always a good thing.
Whenever I get angry my brain shuts down and is at a standstill...I'm not like you Ms. Sheen, my angry disrespect doesn't roll like fat...so I'm passive because I really can't think of anything to say or how to act so I just let it slide and bury it. Oh sidenote but I really can't stand other people when they're crying...the fact that I don't know how to act then either coupled with the fact that often they're crying over something trivial just annoys me to no end.
Anyways I let my anger out in stupid ways.

Story #1
My middle-school volleyball coach was a pretty intimidating person. I'm pretty sure that no one on our team liked her. She yelled at pretty much everyone...but she never really yelled at me cause I guess I was pretty good at that age having two sisters that had already taught me some volleyball...so I never really messed up that badly. But I never really had beef with her. Last game of the season: We were doing pretty crappy and DUN DUN DUN I messed up. She yelled at me.
Now I don't usually hold grudges...I don't even hold one against Ms. Slinky (yeah yeah I couldn't come up with a better name) but I hold one against this woman. You might be thinking,"wow that's a stupid reason to hold a grudge."
no. excuse my french but this woman was a bitch. It wasn't that she yelled at me but that she was such a pain-in-the-arse to everyone...all the time!
To this day whenever I see her and the assistant coach at our high school games...I never acknowledge her. No I hug the other lady...she's nice, she was my algebra teacher but not my coach.
And from what I hear from kids who go to middle school there, she's still a bitch.

Story #2
I pretty much went behind my best friend's back and talked to people she told me never to come into contact with again. And was pretty much the reason for her boyfriend to break up with her.
I find this ironic though because I only went behind her back to talk to that person I was forbidden from talking to because I wanted the whole story before just listening to her...she is my best friend but she is also known for lying...and because she went and talked to this person she was explicitly forbidden from talking to by her boyfriend.
Yeah I get that she's mad at me now but this whole thing was really a bit of everyone involved's fault. Mine for talking to the person I was told never to come in contact with again and for telling her boyfriend things about her past. The person I was told to never come in contact again with for talking to me and her and for sending her boyfriend an email. Her boyfriend for not setting his foot down when he already gave her a second chance to be honest with him. Hers for talking with the person she was told never to come in contact with again.
I just wanna say that I did it because I was tired of your bs and I really don't regret it.
I just wanted him to know what he was getting himself into.
You always say that it pisses you off when people call you a hoebag. Well stop giving them reason to think that.
I just wanted all of this done with and solved and you to get some drama out of your life(Yes I know, it probably wasn't the best way for me to approach the situation) because your emotions have been on a ridiculous rollercoaster this past year and a half. I care about you and it kinda sucks when I'm here watching you hurt yourself pretty much on purpose both emotionally and physically. It's really frustrating to me because I really don't know how to help you.

I got sidetracked a tad but for those of you not mentioned you can tell that I will be evil and horrible and mean and awful even to those I care about once I've had enough bs from them.

Story#3
In the time frame of 7th grade up until even the 10th grade, I didn't have a good solid outlet for letting go of my anger. Sure volleyball helped some, I really love the game but even that lost some of the magic over time. I would get so angry at people and I would hold it inside for so long that it would get warped and I would wonder if it was all my fault.
Soo I turned to cutting myself.
It was a sick sort of fascination when I cut..I only cut deep enough for blood to come..it would distract me from my anger and I would sit and wonder about the human body and its complexity(is that a word?) Sometimes I would punch my solid wood dresser to try and make my knuckles bleed. I even shattered a window and used the glass shards to see if there would be a different cut than scissors or a swiss army knife
My mom found out about it one day but I just told her that I was "experimenting"
I guess in some strange way I was telling the half-truth. I was trying to figure out just how far I had to cut before it would bleed and then how deep before the pain overcame the anger.
Being the obedient asian child, I stopped doing it on a regular basis when she told me to stop. But up until a year ago I still did it when I was feeling really really angry or stressed out.
Last year when I was really bugged out by English I pulled out my swiss army knife while studying vocabulary and started sawing at the book with the "serrated edge" to see if it would cut at all because it was supersuper blunt and surprisingly it did. So I tried to see if it would cut me.
If you ask me to see the scars now, well they're really faint. I never cut so deep that I actually wanted to kill myself...I just wanted to hurt something, anything and see the blood. And now that I'm tan(somewhat) they're pretty much invisible and it's only because I know where they are that I can find them.

I stopped doing it 1) when I saw my best friend doing it and I realized that she had is soo much worse than I did and I couldn't even bear to see her hurt herself 2) when I met Mr. AHHCHOO and heard his story and I just wanted to help him rebuild his life after last year's events and I decided that we both can't be the stupid one in the relationship 3) I really started pursuing a legitimate relationship with God.
Praying to God and letting out your burden to him really is the best stress and anger reliever there is.

You might ask me WHY?? Some people have told me, "BUT YOU LOOKS SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME"
well don't they always tell you that it's usually the ones that look happy and have a seemingly perfect life on the outside?
And everyone has made some stupid idiotic moronic (excusethefrench) shit-for-brains mistake in their past. Mine just happened to be self-mutilation.

I would also appreciate it if those of you reading this don't tell other people. You select few I have shared this blog with I consider close to me. We've all seen how people's lives have been ruined by gossip.

LyricS of the Day
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
-Carrie Underwood: Jesus Take the Wheel

Everybody makes mistakes...
-Hannah Montana: Nobody's Perfect