Rent

I feel like a vice is squeezing my chest.

What do I do?

I love you more than anything in this world (cept G-sus) even being okay with possibly destroying my friendship of 11 years with Ms. Cow.  I would do anything for you.

Pffh The reason why this is so hard though, is because I grew up as the third child.  Four years apart from siblings meant a lot of lonely games and a hell of a lot of imagination.  It meant being small and overshadowed, watching and listening to older sisters that I will forever be looking up to.  I stayed out of the way mostly and kept to my own little world.

I never really had to argue with my parents.  That was a job for my older sisters.  I was the good kid who agreed with everything and did everything mommy and daddy wanted.

You remember my wrist-cutting problem.  I remember at the time reading an article about cutting. It said: teenagers who cut and employ self-mutilation are most often the "good kids" who outwardly seem like the ones who have good grades, friends, and are generally happy."

Where do you think I learned to hide my true feelings?

Do you even understand the feeling when you hear something that absolutely kills you inside and you have to act like you're fine?

You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and all I say is "Okay"

what the fuck is wrong with me

Is this all part of some stupid teenage rebellion when I pretend that I'm not dying inside?

Why do I do it? Why do I act towards my parents like I don't care about the restrictions they are putting on me?  Why do I put on a face so they don't see how I really feel about you?  Why do I always act like nothing affects me? Why do I pretend like my heart isn't being shredded to pieces? Why?

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of things not in the status quo.  I'm afraid of a bad home life.  I'm afraid of being cut off.  I'm afraid telling the truth.  I'm afraid of disappointing people.  I'm afraid of losing this incredible life that I have been so richly blessed with.  But most of all, I'm afraid of losing you.

When you called me tonight, I was so close to breaking down and sobbing my eyes out, but just knowing that you will always love me kept me straight and mercifully saved me from any awkward questions in the middle of church.

But now that dam has burst.

All I want is to just be able to be with you when you need me, to support you in all that you do, to love you forever.  All of this is my own stupid fucking fault.  If I had just done what I should have done in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.  

I was selfish. So fucking selfish.

I don't deserve you for being that selfish.  You've been nothing but understanding and supporting of me, through all my inadequacies and roller coaster emotions.  

Hearing you tonight, saying that if this didn't work out with my family,  you said you couldn't wait for me, not because I'm not worth it, but because that three years is a very long time to wait. You said you would focus on furthering yourself, in mind and body, while not actively seeking anyone, and that you would always love me, no matter what.  You said that we would change, change into someone we didn't fall in love with, changing into Strangers, Again.  Hearing you say that reminded me just how much you mean to me.

"Every relationship goes through states.  Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person.  While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable." -Wong Fu Productions

I will always hope and I will always love you.

Lyrics of the Day:

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear its true

Because a man like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but...

I have loved you from the start.

-Secondhand Serenade: Fall for you

Watch all of the video. Especially starting at 13:50.