Rent

I feel like a vice is squeezing my chest.

What do I do?

I love you more than anything in this world (cept G-sus) even being okay with possibly destroying my friendship of 11 years with Ms. Cow.  I would do anything for you.

Pffh The reason why this is so hard though, is because I grew up as the third child.  Four years apart from siblings meant a lot of lonely games and a hell of a lot of imagination.  It meant being small and overshadowed, watching and listening to older sisters that I will forever be looking up to.  I stayed out of the way mostly and kept to my own little world.

I never really had to argue with my parents.  That was a job for my older sisters.  I was the good kid who agreed with everything and did everything mommy and daddy wanted.

You remember my wrist-cutting problem.  I remember at the time reading an article about cutting. It said: teenagers who cut and employ self-mutilation are most often the "good kids" who outwardly seem like the ones who have good grades, friends, and are generally happy."

Where do you think I learned to hide my true feelings?

Do you even understand the feeling when you hear something that absolutely kills you inside and you have to act like you're fine?

You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and all I say is "Okay"

what the fuck is wrong with me

Is this all part of some stupid teenage rebellion when I pretend that I'm not dying inside?

Why do I do it? Why do I act towards my parents like I don't care about the restrictions they are putting on me?  Why do I put on a face so they don't see how I really feel about you?  Why do I always act like nothing affects me? Why do I pretend like my heart isn't being shredded to pieces? Why?

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of things not in the status quo.  I'm afraid of a bad home life.  I'm afraid of being cut off.  I'm afraid telling the truth.  I'm afraid of disappointing people.  I'm afraid of losing this incredible life that I have been so richly blessed with.  But most of all, I'm afraid of losing you.

When you called me tonight, I was so close to breaking down and sobbing my eyes out, but just knowing that you will always love me kept me straight and mercifully saved me from any awkward questions in the middle of church.

But now that dam has burst.

All I want is to just be able to be with you when you need me, to support you in all that you do, to love you forever.  All of this is my own stupid fucking fault.  If I had just done what I should have done in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.  

I was selfish. So fucking selfish.

I don't deserve you for being that selfish.  You've been nothing but understanding and supporting of me, through all my inadequacies and roller coaster emotions.  

Hearing you tonight, saying that if this didn't work out with my family,  you said you couldn't wait for me, not because I'm not worth it, but because that three years is a very long time to wait. You said you would focus on furthering yourself, in mind and body, while not actively seeking anyone, and that you would always love me, no matter what.  You said that we would change, change into someone we didn't fall in love with, changing into Strangers, Again.  Hearing you say that reminded me just how much you mean to me.

"Every relationship goes through states.  Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person.  While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable." -Wong Fu Productions

I will always hope and I will always love you.

Lyrics of the Day:

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear its true

Because a man like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but...

I have loved you from the start.

-Secondhand Serenade: Fall for you

Watch all of the video. Especially starting at 13:50.

Teenage Angst

Life is crap.

1. Was failing Calc BC, not failing anymore but still basically am.

2. My mom threatened to take away the car

3.Still haven't gotten an acceptance letter

I am a terrible person, Mr. AHHCHOO. I know I texted you that about 15 minutes ago...but like when people ask me what your interests are or I'm trying to think of what to get you for Christmas or your birthday...I come up pretty blank.

Of course I could always say that your interests include wrestling, longboarding, and me...but what else?

I should know things like this. It makes me think of the days when we first started talking.

What the hell did we even talk about?

I feel like we don't even have much in common...all I know is that somehow I love you a lot.

I know we've been getting into a lot of fights lately and I think we've been taking each other for granted. We've just been pushing things onto each other without any consideration for each other's feelings. Due to ...recent events, I really don't want this to end at all. As naive, idiotic, and cliche as this sounds, I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. I told you once that when I pictured my life in 10 years, my goal was to be rich and successful, not married to AHHCHOO. But you're a huge part of my life now, in fact my world revolves around you. I was talking to Mr. Sven earlier tonight and about how our text messages would go something like this: AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO MS. COW AHHCHOO AHHCHOO MR. JONAS AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO MR. SVEN AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO. Without you, I'm pretty sure my world would collapse. This is dumb but the only book example I can think of right now is in New Moon when Edward left Bella...

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I hope this doesn't make you upset even though I'm really upset with myself and we SHOULD go back to the olden days of our long messages...once you get a new computer. That's password protected. From the JOYCHOO.

I need to know you. On a subatomic level. I want to be a AHHCHOO expert.

oh by the way. We made it past the 500 day pact ;D

and sorry I'm a jerk about your braces. you know i'm no good with my words and feelings so consider it my way of being sad about you having them in college. but like i said SUPERHOT when its over :/

and sorry I'm a jerk in general.

Hug it out? oh wait. this was a pretty one-sided conversation...

Lyrics of the Day

"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea

I'll sail the world to find you

And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me
Every day I will remind you

You'll always have my shoulder when you cry
I'll never let go
Never say goodbye"

-Bruno Mars, Count on Me

Day 6

Sooo I noticed today that I seem to start all of my blogs with "Sooo." Hmmm.

Weirdo.

Oh I also noticed that Ms. Money is counting down on her blog and I'm counting up!

ookay that had no relevance or point...at all

I must be in the zone for noticing stuffs. I put my contacts in with my right hand and take em out with my left hand. weird.

SOOO I woke up SUPER early this morning(8:15 lol) to webcam with Mr. AHHCHOO.

MAN. I must really like him to give up sleep!! So that was fun..we did that for about an hour and a halfish...haha the whole time he wore his AMAZING HAT that Ms. VVN totally wants to borrow.

Trust me..once you see it you'll want it.

Yeah so me and my parents are going to Cali tomorrow morning...and I get to go to UNIVERSAL STUDIOSSSSS. YESSS.

The only awkward part is that we're staying with an old friend of my mom's and she has two sons, 17 & 15, annnnnd the 17 year-old-one is taking me around Universal cause my parents are too lame to do it. My mom was like, "Don't fall for him!! You'll break Mr. AHHCHOO's heart!!" annnd then she was like, "On second though, if you do then it'll be soo cool that we're such good friends and our kids get together!!!" My dad was like, "Don't fall for him!! He's in marching band!!!" Yess! Way to break the asian stereotype dude...

Oh yes I also apparently have to go to youth group with them tomorrow night. awkwardddd

Ah yes so I also helped Ms. JK (who shall from now on be known as Ms. DonkyKeung) come up with her own blog name-DonkyKeung...after a succession of things like JayKay, JustKidding, JayKeung, JayKungFu, BigBootayestKeung, VeryLargeButtocks, IHasBigButt, GottaDonk, GotDonk?, etc...Of course Mr. Bra was also helping her come up with names-JOCEYPOSSY, JOCEMELON, JOCELION- but his were nowhere near my caliber ;)

Ms. COW came to badminton tonight! It's like the only time our schedules don't conflict. SADNESS. And then Lil Miss Bells runs around demanding piggyback rides from the both of us...oh and she cut her toe and her bandaid came off like 3 times..eww

Ms. COW of course is like thuperduper tan compared to my pastyness..just like Mr. AHHCHOO.

Curse you and your dark melanin pigments.

OH and one last thing. EVERYONE PRAY FOR MRS. LIZ CANTINO AND HER BABY THAT IS COMING SOON AND ALSO FOR MY FRIEND MR. KenDoll AND HIS GIRLFRIEND MS. ShellBEE AND THEIR BABY THAT IS DUE IN LIKE...3 DAYS!!!!

1Day to go/Day 1/Day 2

1 Day to Go

So I'm really glad I got to see Mr. AHHCHOO before he left. I had to drive out the the freaking middle of nowhere though. AND I almost hit someone on that florhgoighsdklkdj left turn!!

He was longboarding with one of his biffles and I was really confused when I turned into the parking lot cause I didn't see anyone...so I drove down to the bottom and I see the back end of a car speeding away...I was a little freaked out but I followed it and was about the leave the parking lot when I see this car try to go out of the parking lot in the enter lane. I back up and wait for the idiot to notice annnnnnd of course its Mr. AHHCHOO...DRIVING ILLEGALLY!!!!! What a dummy. The man is 17 and he doesn't have his license...tsk tsk. Of course I can't really talk. I've had my license for half a year now and my parents paid the insurance and all buuuuuut I've only driven myself like...5 times now? Sad.

Speaking of sad...Youth Group was pathetic. like really freaking pathetic.

There was like no one there. hahaha Ms. Money and I had a hugfest and complained to each other how Mr. AHHCHOO and Mr. Fondue are meaniebutts for leaving us for Taiwan. tsk men.

Then Mr. JKo and his posse showed up...Ms. VVN and I were upset with them cause they're spreading Mr. AHHCHOO's evil, dark, shady past...MUAHAHAHAHA.

no seriously guys. WHY MUST YOU DIG UP ANCIENT HISTORY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Well Ms. VVN was more upset. She couldn't even stay in the same room...

Day 1

Ms. COW woke me up. THANKS A LOT.

no seriously thanks a lot. I realized OHCRAP Mr. AHHCHOO's flight leaves in an hour!!! Luckily I called and caught him before he left. Well it certainly was good to hear his voice after not seeing him at yg yesterday :[ His parents left him and his little brother already...UNACCOMPANIED MINORS!!! My dad walked in was like, "IS HE FLYING AMERICAN AIRLINES?!?!?!?" (my dad works for AA)

anyways..His little brother cracks me up. I suppose he is the reason for bringing us together. Last year during VBS lil ANDCHOO was the little bugger that I had to grip by the neck the whole time to keep him from running into the bear cage at the zoo. Hahah all this time he was yelling, "MY BIG BROTHER IS 16!! HE'LL BEAT YOU UP!" oh the irony...*snicker*

Actually I really first started talking to him during the retreat last year because everyone thought Mr. AHHCHOO liked Ms. VVN and I actually had a thing for his friend, Mr. eBalenin. Then Mr. AHHCHOO and I started texting after the retreat...later (like 3 days ago) he told me he was hooked on me after my first text about burritos...

*ahem* anyhoo so then he flew to Hotlanta for his connection to TOKYO. He called again once he got to Atlanta, etc....hrm other than that I don't really remember what I did on Saturday...

Day 2

woke up...went to 2nd session(I haven't been to 1st session in like 3 or 4 months)...there was like NO ONE there. well sure my friends were there minus Mr. AHHCHOO *cough cough* but all the seniors left us and were sitting with the college group wahhhhhhhhhhh. I went over to Ms. Money and gave her another hugfest cause she was crying again..shame on you Mr. Fondue making her cry like this tsk. I felt like mixing it up so I sat with them and Mr. Jerbear and Mrs. ABS (they're married). teehee Mrs. ABS is so funny...she had a loaf of bread in her purse...she drew little dancing toasties on her notes that were holding little pendants that said, "I heart toast!!

lol.

MR. AHHCHOO I'M SO BORED WITHOUT YOUUU.

Seriously. I read all 25 chapters of an online comic and I played 5 straight hours of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. I do recommend both though perhaps not all at once like me :)

gunnerkrigg.com for the comic.