Rent

I feel like a vice is squeezing my chest.

What do I do?

I love you more than anything in this world (cept G-sus) even being okay with possibly destroying my friendship of 11 years with Ms. Cow.  I would do anything for you.

Pffh The reason why this is so hard though, is because I grew up as the third child.  Four years apart from siblings meant a lot of lonely games and a hell of a lot of imagination.  It meant being small and overshadowed, watching and listening to older sisters that I will forever be looking up to.  I stayed out of the way mostly and kept to my own little world.

I never really had to argue with my parents.  That was a job for my older sisters.  I was the good kid who agreed with everything and did everything mommy and daddy wanted.

You remember my wrist-cutting problem.  I remember at the time reading an article about cutting. It said: teenagers who cut and employ self-mutilation are most often the "good kids" who outwardly seem like the ones who have good grades, friends, and are generally happy."

Where do you think I learned to hide my true feelings?

Do you even understand the feeling when you hear something that absolutely kills you inside and you have to act like you're fine?

You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and all I say is "Okay"

what the fuck is wrong with me

Is this all part of some stupid teenage rebellion when I pretend that I'm not dying inside?

Why do I do it? Why do I act towards my parents like I don't care about the restrictions they are putting on me?  Why do I put on a face so they don't see how I really feel about you?  Why do I always act like nothing affects me? Why do I pretend like my heart isn't being shredded to pieces? Why?

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of things not in the status quo.  I'm afraid of a bad home life.  I'm afraid of being cut off.  I'm afraid telling the truth.  I'm afraid of disappointing people.  I'm afraid of losing this incredible life that I have been so richly blessed with.  But most of all, I'm afraid of losing you.

When you called me tonight, I was so close to breaking down and sobbing my eyes out, but just knowing that you will always love me kept me straight and mercifully saved me from any awkward questions in the middle of church.

But now that dam has burst.

All I want is to just be able to be with you when you need me, to support you in all that you do, to love you forever.  All of this is my own stupid fucking fault.  If I had just done what I should have done in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.  

I was selfish. So fucking selfish.

I don't deserve you for being that selfish.  You've been nothing but understanding and supporting of me, through all my inadequacies and roller coaster emotions.  

Hearing you tonight, saying that if this didn't work out with my family,  you said you couldn't wait for me, not because I'm not worth it, but because that three years is a very long time to wait. You said you would focus on furthering yourself, in mind and body, while not actively seeking anyone, and that you would always love me, no matter what.  You said that we would change, change into someone we didn't fall in love with, changing into Strangers, Again.  Hearing you say that reminded me just how much you mean to me.

"Every relationship goes through states.  Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person.  While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable." -Wong Fu Productions

I will always hope and I will always love you.

Lyrics of the Day:

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear its true

Because a man like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but...

I have loved you from the start.

-Secondhand Serenade: Fall for you

Watch all of the video. Especially starting at 13:50.

Teenage Angst

Life is crap.

1. Was failing Calc BC, not failing anymore but still basically am.

2. My mom threatened to take away the car

3.Still haven't gotten an acceptance letter

I am a terrible person, Mr. AHHCHOO. I know I texted you that about 15 minutes ago...but like when people ask me what your interests are or I'm trying to think of what to get you for Christmas or your birthday...I come up pretty blank.

Of course I could always say that your interests include wrestling, longboarding, and me...but what else?

I should know things like this. It makes me think of the days when we first started talking.

What the hell did we even talk about?

I feel like we don't even have much in common...all I know is that somehow I love you a lot.

I know we've been getting into a lot of fights lately and I think we've been taking each other for granted. We've just been pushing things onto each other without any consideration for each other's feelings. Due to ...recent events, I really don't want this to end at all. As naive, idiotic, and cliche as this sounds, I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. I told you once that when I pictured my life in 10 years, my goal was to be rich and successful, not married to AHHCHOO. But you're a huge part of my life now, in fact my world revolves around you. I was talking to Mr. Sven earlier tonight and about how our text messages would go something like this: AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO MS. COW AHHCHOO AHHCHOO MR. JONAS AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO MR. SVEN AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO AHHCHOO. Without you, I'm pretty sure my world would collapse. This is dumb but the only book example I can think of right now is in New Moon when Edward left Bella...

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I hope this doesn't make you upset even though I'm really upset with myself and we SHOULD go back to the olden days of our long messages...once you get a new computer. That's password protected. From the JOYCHOO.

I need to know you. On a subatomic level. I want to be a AHHCHOO expert.

oh by the way. We made it past the 500 day pact ;D

and sorry I'm a jerk about your braces. you know i'm no good with my words and feelings so consider it my way of being sad about you having them in college. but like i said SUPERHOT when its over :/

and sorry I'm a jerk in general.

Hug it out? oh wait. this was a pretty one-sided conversation...

Lyrics of the Day

"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea

I'll sail the world to find you

And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me
Every day I will remind you

You'll always have my shoulder when you cry
I'll never let go
Never say goodbye"

-Bruno Mars, Count on Me

zomg

Its been three days and I still can't believe this shit.

Lyrics of the day:

Woohha-a-ohooh
You got a secret
Woohha-a-ohooh
You couldn't keep it
Woohha-a-ohooh
Somebody leaked it,
And now some shits about to go down

-Ke$ha, Kiss n Tell

Day 16

Soooo its story time.

This morning on the way to church as usual I had just grabbed something to eat on my way out the door and today it was a slice of pizza. Well we were almost to church, I was in mid-bite annnnnnnnnnd all of a sudden.........I really had to throw up.

It was almost as bad as that one time at the end of 30HFamine when I was really sick and I suddenly had to throw up and disappeared to the bathroom for like 15 minutes and Mr. AHHCHOO got all worried and came out after me and was waiting for me and awwwwwww :)

anyways I was really freaked out because just last night I had read a book about this girl who had gotten pregnant and had really really had morning sickness.....

I tried not to make any noise cause if I did throw up...well I'd have a lot of questions to answer. So I just did the whole breathe deeply through your nose and keep trying to swallow thing.
I managed to get it under control but the whole time in my head I kept thinking, "WTF IS THIS??!!? WE HAVEN'T EVEN DONE THAT YET!!!!!!"

Alrighty guys, I'm just going to leave you with that to ponder.

Lyrics of the Day:
So I hopped on a train three in the afternoon
I don't know when I'm coming back, but I hope that it's soon
See, I never thought (Never thought)
That I'd have to leave your side (Your side)

It's only physically but know that you will be on my mind
Twenty-four hours at a time
Cause in my eyes, you were mine (You were mine)
-AJ Rafael: She Was Mine