Heartache

I haven't seen you in so long.
I saw you for all of an hour last Thursday.  And before that? Even longer.

I haven't heard your voice in a week and a half.

I haven't properly been with you in almost a month.

I miss your company.  I miss your touch.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your goofy expressions.  I miss your stupid jokes.  I miss the way your fingers fit perfectly with mine.  I miss the way you wrap me up in your arms.  I miss listening to you talk about your day.  I miss being able to run my fingers through your hair.  I miss the way you whisper into my ear just before going to bed.  I miss hearing you say, "goodnight. I love you."

I miss you.

Lyrics of the Day:
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
The clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away, I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay
I miss you
-Avril Lavigne: When You're Gone

What if.

The other night, when you were saying all those hurtful things, I was fully prepared to throw everything I had that was yours in your face.

Okay not really.

But you sounded so final, that I was going to give you back everything.  Even the ipod D:
freaking impossibru.
after I fell asleep crying and woke up the next morning, I saw I had some messages from you.  And that is when I knew, we couldn't possibly be over.  Sending a message to me at 9 in the morning meant that you had spent all last night thinking about me and that you couldn't get me off your mind.
But since I had said "I see. I'll leave you alone. You won't hear from me. It's been amazing. Goodbye"
I didn't respond.  I just cried some more.
Then you sent another series of messages my way a few hours later and I just HAD to respond.
I will be eternally thankful that I did.  Otherwise, I might have lost you forever.

Now I know that you still love me.

I am going to make this freaking work.  I am going to get freaking straight A's this semester. Okay that's a bit mightily tall...I'm going to get at least a 3.5 gpa this semester? AT LEAST.

I am so thankful that you want to help me do my best, but I don't have any right to tie you down.  Certainly I would like to, but I don't have the right to be selfish anymore.  I know you love me and I am so in love with you, but if you do find anyone who makes you happier, even if you aren't searching, even unintentionally, its okay.  I was stupid in the past three years.

But I do love you. And I desperately want to be with you forever.
I want to make this work.
You don't want to sneak around but you said you will be spending lots of nights with me :)
If you know what I mean.

Lyrics of the Day:
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
-Cobra Starship: Guilty Pleasure

Wonderment

I think one of the things I love the most about our relationship is the fact that no matter how hard we try, we can't stay angry with one another or stay away from each other.

I don't know about you, but whenever you are angry with me and you say the most hurtful things, it feels like the world is ending. And it makes me feel like my very person has been struck down and I'm nothing but an empty husk of a person, just a shadow of who I used to be.

But then.

Just hours later, after I've cried myself to sleep (and you've presumably angered yourself to sleep) I get to wake up to a glorious series of text messages telling me that you're sorry for saying such things and that they were for my own good.  Telling me that I hurt you too.  Then you tell me how much I mean to you.  Suddenly the world is right again.

Lyrics of the Day:
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues 
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me and honestly
My life would suck without you
-Kelly Clarkson: My Life Would Suck Without You

Imagine

I wonder what life would be like if I had kept my grades up. Not just this past year, but all three years.

Maybe I could have gotten into Carolina.  Maybe we'd still be happily together.

It wouldn't have been that hard.  I feel like that was when I really, truly discovered the internet though.

I for one, find this ridiculous, don't you?

Because obviously in our three years together you've shown so much aptitude for wanting to dump me as soon as you tap that.  Because being together for three years obviously shows that you don't care about me or respect me.  Because not being able to see each other and wanting to meet up at a hotel immediately means you want to rape me.

Dafuq.

Lyrics of the Day:
Some say I'll be better without you
But they don't know you like I do

But I won't go
I can't do this on my own
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk
-Adele: He Won't Go

Futurama

In my head, I see us getting married, having kids, and living a long and happy life together.

When I told you my sister must have read my text messages, she must have showed my mom some too.
The only two my mom saw were "there's a patch" and the one about the red roof inn.

I denied losing my virginity to you because I know that having that is one of the most important things to my mom because "your body is god's temple" then she gave me a short rant on the importance of virginity and how losing it will feel in the future if you leave me.
so now she thinks you are going to rape me or you are trying to force me into doing things I don't want.
Even though I said you didn't really ask me to do stuff  (apparently she knows when I'm lying so I thought of butts when I answered)

She now thinks you are a bad influence and you have no morals.  She thinks that cause you apparently don't have anyone keeping you on track i.e. your parents "don't restrict you"

She's gonna be crazy again and be checking up on my text and call records. And she pretty much forbids me to make get togethers with our people so I can see you.


I asked her what will happen if I get good grades this semester. She just said keep getting good grades and focus on yourself.

I don't know what this means for us.  I want to be able to love you and be with you.
You don't want to do it secretly anymore so I don't know where that leaves us.

My life goal is to be happy with you, marry you, love you.

I just hope that you will wait for me.

If not.  I wish she loves you as much as I do and I want you to know that I will always love you.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Summed up in a song.

Rent

I feel like a vice is squeezing my chest.

What do I do?

I love you more than anything in this world (cept G-sus) even being okay with possibly destroying my friendship of 11 years with Ms. Cow.  I would do anything for you.

Pffh The reason why this is so hard though, is because I grew up as the third child.  Four years apart from siblings meant a lot of lonely games and a hell of a lot of imagination.  It meant being small and overshadowed, watching and listening to older sisters that I will forever be looking up to.  I stayed out of the way mostly and kept to my own little world.

I never really had to argue with my parents.  That was a job for my older sisters.  I was the good kid who agreed with everything and did everything mommy and daddy wanted.

You remember my wrist-cutting problem.  I remember at the time reading an article about cutting. It said: teenagers who cut and employ self-mutilation are most often the "good kids" who outwardly seem like the ones who have good grades, friends, and are generally happy."

Where do you think I learned to hide my true feelings?

Do you even understand the feeling when you hear something that absolutely kills you inside and you have to act like you're fine?

You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and all I say is "Okay"

what the fuck is wrong with me

Is this all part of some stupid teenage rebellion when I pretend that I'm not dying inside?

Why do I do it? Why do I act towards my parents like I don't care about the restrictions they are putting on me?  Why do I put on a face so they don't see how I really feel about you?  Why do I always act like nothing affects me? Why do I pretend like my heart isn't being shredded to pieces? Why?

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of things not in the status quo.  I'm afraid of a bad home life.  I'm afraid of being cut off.  I'm afraid telling the truth.  I'm afraid of disappointing people.  I'm afraid of losing this incredible life that I have been so richly blessed with.  But most of all, I'm afraid of losing you.

When you called me tonight, I was so close to breaking down and sobbing my eyes out, but just knowing that you will always love me kept me straight and mercifully saved me from any awkward questions in the middle of church.

But now that dam has burst.

All I want is to just be able to be with you when you need me, to support you in all that you do, to love you forever.  All of this is my own stupid fucking fault.  If I had just done what I should have done in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.  

I was selfish. So fucking selfish.

I don't deserve you for being that selfish.  You've been nothing but understanding and supporting of me, through all my inadequacies and roller coaster emotions.  

Hearing you tonight, saying that if this didn't work out with my family,  you said you couldn't wait for me, not because I'm not worth it, but because that three years is a very long time to wait. You said you would focus on furthering yourself, in mind and body, while not actively seeking anyone, and that you would always love me, no matter what.  You said that we would change, change into someone we didn't fall in love with, changing into Strangers, Again.  Hearing you say that reminded me just how much you mean to me.

"Every relationship goes through states.  Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person.  While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable." -Wong Fu Productions

I will always hope and I will always love you.

Lyrics of the Day:

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear its true

Because a man like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but...

I have loved you from the start.

-Secondhand Serenade: Fall for you

Watch all of the video. Especially starting at 13:50.