Futurama

In my head, I see us getting married, having kids, and living a long and happy life together.

When I told you my sister must have read my text messages, she must have showed my mom some too.
The only two my mom saw were "there's a patch" and the one about the red roof inn.

I denied losing my virginity to you because I know that having that is one of the most important things to my mom because "your body is god's temple" then she gave me a short rant on the importance of virginity and how losing it will feel in the future if you leave me.
so now she thinks you are going to rape me or you are trying to force me into doing things I don't want.
Even though I said you didn't really ask me to do stuff  (apparently she knows when I'm lying so I thought of butts when I answered)

She now thinks you are a bad influence and you have no morals.  She thinks that cause you apparently don't have anyone keeping you on track i.e. your parents "don't restrict you"

She's gonna be crazy again and be checking up on my text and call records. And she pretty much forbids me to make get togethers with our people so I can see you.


I asked her what will happen if I get good grades this semester. She just said keep getting good grades and focus on yourself.

I don't know what this means for us.  I want to be able to love you and be with you.
You don't want to do it secretly anymore so I don't know where that leaves us.

My life goal is to be happy with you, marry you, love you.

I just hope that you will wait for me.

If not.  I wish she loves you as much as I do and I want you to know that I will always love you.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Summed up in a song.

Rent

I feel like a vice is squeezing my chest.

What do I do?

I love you more than anything in this world (cept G-sus) even being okay with possibly destroying my friendship of 11 years with Ms. Cow.  I would do anything for you.

Pffh The reason why this is so hard though, is because I grew up as the third child.  Four years apart from siblings meant a lot of lonely games and a hell of a lot of imagination.  It meant being small and overshadowed, watching and listening to older sisters that I will forever be looking up to.  I stayed out of the way mostly and kept to my own little world.

I never really had to argue with my parents.  That was a job for my older sisters.  I was the good kid who agreed with everything and did everything mommy and daddy wanted.

You remember my wrist-cutting problem.  I remember at the time reading an article about cutting. It said: teenagers who cut and employ self-mutilation are most often the "good kids" who outwardly seem like the ones who have good grades, friends, and are generally happy."

Where do you think I learned to hide my true feelings?

Do you even understand the feeling when you hear something that absolutely kills you inside and you have to act like you're fine?

You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and all I say is "Okay"

what the fuck is wrong with me

Is this all part of some stupid teenage rebellion when I pretend that I'm not dying inside?

Why do I do it? Why do I act towards my parents like I don't care about the restrictions they are putting on me?  Why do I put on a face so they don't see how I really feel about you?  Why do I always act like nothing affects me? Why do I pretend like my heart isn't being shredded to pieces? Why?

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of things not in the status quo.  I'm afraid of a bad home life.  I'm afraid of being cut off.  I'm afraid telling the truth.  I'm afraid of disappointing people.  I'm afraid of losing this incredible life that I have been so richly blessed with.  But most of all, I'm afraid of losing you.

When you called me tonight, I was so close to breaking down and sobbing my eyes out, but just knowing that you will always love me kept me straight and mercifully saved me from any awkward questions in the middle of church.

But now that dam has burst.

All I want is to just be able to be with you when you need me, to support you in all that you do, to love you forever.  All of this is my own stupid fucking fault.  If I had just done what I should have done in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.  

I was selfish. So fucking selfish.

I don't deserve you for being that selfish.  You've been nothing but understanding and supporting of me, through all my inadequacies and roller coaster emotions.  

Hearing you tonight, saying that if this didn't work out with my family,  you said you couldn't wait for me, not because I'm not worth it, but because that three years is a very long time to wait. You said you would focus on furthering yourself, in mind and body, while not actively seeking anyone, and that you would always love me, no matter what.  You said that we would change, change into someone we didn't fall in love with, changing into Strangers, Again.  Hearing you say that reminded me just how much you mean to me.

"Every relationship goes through states.  Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person.  While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable." -Wong Fu Productions

I will always hope and I will always love you.

Lyrics of the Day:

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear its true

Because a man like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but...

I have loved you from the start.

-Secondhand Serenade: Fall for you

Watch all of the video. Especially starting at 13:50.

I can't get over this

"One particle of umobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the 2 - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider.  Fuck you, Science!"

Filled

I love you okay?

That's why I want you to stop.  Where is your self-control? Stop filling your lungs with smoke.  I don't want you to get cancer.  Also. It makes you smell.  And you know I absolutely hate the smell and taste of cigarettes.

Yeah I can just see you right now saying, "But you've smoked some too"
Ok how many total have I smoked? Less than 20. IN THE PAST YEAR.  fuck you, science.
Also. I only started because I didn't want you to smoke the entire first pack by yourself/I wanted to see what smoking one was like.

So please. Just quit.

I told you earlier today, "Until you stop smoking, don't talk to me."
For both our sake's, please stop.  I'll miss you too much.

Stop buying drugs.

Lyrics of the Day:
I am in misery.
There ain't nobody who can comfort me (oh yeah)
Why won't you answer me
The silence is slowly killing me
Maroon 5- Misery

Projects

Hi Miss Sheen.

You're in China right now getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. You have some tasty blood haha :)
have you ever noticed that when you look at a word too much you start reading it wrong? like blood is not pronounced in my head as BLOOOOOOOOOO-DUH.

Anyways.  We never really started any of our craft projects.  Tomorrow, Mr. Bra, Miss, Priskiller, and I will be starting a new project.  We're making longboards apparently...
Hella expensive. So this project will be a many month long project.  So we can do some of our crafties when you get back in two weeks.

come back sooooooooon!

Lyrics of the Day:
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
Avril Lavigne- When You're Gone


yeah I don't actually miss you that much.  But I know someone else who does ;D

what the fuck

I don't know how I should feel about this.

What are the FUCKING odds that our anniversary should fall on HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

what the fuck.

I don't even want that to be my anniversary anymore.  It makes me feel dirty.  When I think about it.  I just imagine.  You touching her the way you touch me.  You being with her the way you lie with me.  Her giving you more than I have ever been able to give you.  fuck.

How the hell did I miss that it was her birthday all those times I stalked her.

It made me so upset when I saw her.  I should have fucked her up.
When you say you are glad I didn't.  Tell me.  Are you glad I didn't get in trouble.  Or are you glad she didn't get hurt.

This is too much for me to handle.

fuck this.