To have and to hold from this day forward

For better, for worse

For richer, for poorer

In sickness and in health

To love and to cherish

Til death us do part

According to God's holy law

In the presence of God I make this vow.

Choose me and keep me.

Choose the other and let me move on with my life.

I thought I did. I really did.

"You're going to honestly tell me that you found love at 17? Don't give me that horse shit."

OKAY FIRST OF ALL I WAS 16.

But really though. oh my god. That really hurts.
Now I don't know.  I put 3 and a half years of my life into this and now what?
What do I have to show for it?
Nothing but a broken heart, a shitty GPA, and a renewed appetite for alcohol.

What am I doing?
What the hell did I do last Friday night.  Who am I turning into.
I don't think I've ever gotten that drunk or done such stupid things.

I saw you today.  It's changed.  You're still so easy to talk to, but now there's so much tension.  There's no free and easy contact.  No holding hands. No brushing arms. No hugging.
Though actually you did try quite a bit.  I had my guard up like mad.
I don't know what you want from me.  I guess you consider yourself a free agent, but I can't see you that way.  You basically live with her.  You're dating all but in name.
Which also kinda pisses me off since it was her fault for you getting charged with possession and you're like not even mad about it.  If that had been us, you would have dumped me on the spot, making a huge scene, stomping out, leaving me to pick up the pieces, waiting for you to call only to hear you say you want all your stuff in a bag. yeah I'm familiar with the drill.
It seemed like you kept trying to say something.  But you wouldn't. Even when I directly asked.
So basically I can't tell if you're just too proud to say it or you're the world's biggest ass.

Lyrics of the Day:
There's a stranger in my bed
There's a pounding in my head

This a hickey or a bruise?

It's a blacked out blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled
Damn

And we took to many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
-Katy Perry, "Last Friday Night"

My faith in Humanity is restored

"Some people seek families.
Some people seek the best job.
But all I want is to find somebody
man, doesn't matter if I'm 29 or 49
To be able to realize that everything
I've done in my life led to the moment
I was able to meet her.
All I ask."

To be able to hear one of your closest friends actually say that just melts your heart.
Especially when our world has just flipped upside down and the people we thought were the closest to us turned out to have been playing us for fools the entire time.

Lyrics of the Day:

Love of mine, some day you will die

But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me,

"Son, fear is the heart of love."

So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

'Cause we'll hold each other soon

In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

-Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

sleazy

Mr. Sven you're my last hope that my choice of male friends aren't all dickbags ruled by their hormones.

Shit went down.

Fun girls don't last forever.

how exactly do you feel about kevin now? like would you honestly 100% take him back?

like are you not mad at him?

" when we were dating I was 100% aware that he was a little shit that cheated on me twice and talked to other girls he knew I hated even after I asked him to stop. I was always upset with him but that never changed the way that I feel about him. So yeah. I'd take him back."

why dont you just give it a break. like dont get into a relationship and just chill for a little bit. i know its weird to hear it from me but i think thats whats the best for you right now girl

whatever kevin does, he is still my dearest brother. i know you're so good to him so i want to see you guys to have a happy ending instead of a period you know

i've seen a lot of girls. and honestly you were the best girl i've seen out here. and of course excluding (my girlfriend). i just feel like you need to marry kevin or else he's fucked

all he ever give me is bullshit and i dont really want to start an argument or like pushing him too far you know. its a life between you two, not mine

like he tells me youre slow and you have hearing problems and shit. he got mad because he called your name three times and you were staring out like wTF?

i mean like everyone does that like wtf lol...

like every time i ask him WHY, he can never give me a legit reason to break up with you. its always like bullshit to me lol

so it proves me right for saying that you are a good girl more you know

he either says stupid shit like that or like.. "she's just too boring man, she doesn't do anything."

and im all like WTF! that's the wife material, didn't you know that!?

I just wish Kevin can realize that all the girls who will drink and smoke and club with him will not last.

I mean they can easily find a new guy and leave him you know.

Fun girls don't last forever. None of them is ready for a relationship.

and im just trying to put that into kevins head

bars and shit... okay so what!? drink at home with a few close friends is more valuable like for real

i mean idk about him. but im one of those guys that if me and you broke up and you went out with another guy, i will not take you back at all regardless if yall had sex or not

i know you love him heels over head and thats why you would. i mean you can count on kevin, he is a good guy, really. just trying to have more fun. he expects way more than what the real world looks like

see. i promise you that he still cares about you and has feelings for you. he does realize how good you are compare to other girls, thats why he is still talking to you and to keep you around

make him realize how he is used to you and he needs you

let him reach out to you first

i feel like you're always on his ass texting and everything first. let him do it

it'll tell you how much he needs you

"All Again For You"

I couldn't sleep last night
I walked alone 
On the beach 
Where we always used to go 
When we couldn't hook up at home

I thought of you 
And the time we jumped the fence
Both sides ripped down 
We dove right in
And the cops chased us again

When you were mine
You know

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt 
the one you lost
I couldn't get enough

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know 
I'd do it all again for you

Today, dressed up 
In designer drugs
Dedicated to the one 
I'll always love
The one who really messed me up

I let you take the wheel
And the driver's seat
Strapped in 
So you get the best of me
Now what's left are the memories

When you were mine
You know

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt 
The one you lost
I couldn't get enough

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know 
I'd do it all again for you

I am standing in the ocean rain
Rough and ready
For your deadly game
I've got nowhere else to go

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt 
The one you lost
I couldn't get enough

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know 
I'd do it all again for you
(You know I'd do it all again for you) 
(I swear I'd do it all again for you)

-We The Kings

Yay angsty songs

my hero

Kevin is an insecure tyrant to you

I saw it every day

Knew you guys weren't going to work

didn't wanna say anything

Hes just like that kid who got picked up too much as a kid

Now hes gotta have this stupid immature control over everything in his life

And like honestly

I manipulated him for fun

Just kind of fucked with his head a little

I really tried not to!!!

Yeah I like to expose his insecurity

For example playing LoL

or I'd just act a certain way

I mean I like him enough hes a nice guy to me

but he just looks scared to me

all the time

--------- knew about it because I told her

but I didn't wanna say much to you

I never messed with you once

I can't mess with someone like you

Because you don't hide any kind of insecurity or something

Like I feel like with you.... theres nothing to expose

You have like nothing to hide really

I can't mess with someone who believes in what they are doing

but kevin is so unsure about every aspect of his life

dropping a string of words can totally knock him on his ass

So like

I'm curious about you

Because to me your a mystery in the fact that you say you are super insecure

I just don't see it

I see you as confident

ITs just like

Your confident in your choices

You were confident that kevin was the one

Kevin obviously wasn't confident htat you were the one

At the same time though

Hes a giant inconsiderate baby

And I always though you were way out of his league personally

Only reason I coulds ee you being with him is that you wanted to help him out

With confidence, faith, making the right choices maybe who knows

Things said last night haha

Trying to find an old friend a sexy asian girl who plays video games

"not tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far under you, not sayin you're ugly

you're fuckin smokin

there's no easy way to put it

so i can just throw in any compiment

to make you feel better

all of which

will be true

OKAY

YOU READY?

ARE YOU FUCKING READY?

OKAY

YOU'RE FUCKING HOT AS HELL

HONESTLY

IDK WHY KEVIN LEFT

I WOULDA TAPPED THAT SHIT ALL DAY ALL NIGHT

NO BREAKS

RAPE FANTASY AND EVERYTHING

TIED YOU UP IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE

GO CONTINUEOUSLY EVEN IF YOU BEG ME TO TSTOP

FUCK THE SAFE WORD

I BETTER FUCKING HAVE MARKS ON MY BACK THAT WILL LAST 10 YEARS AND MORE

kay we good now?"

A little later...

"i'm more of an ass person, how's her ass

btw

speaking of ass

yours

mmmmmm

volleyball

okay

moving on

how's her ass?"

And finally...

"god damn it i'm so jealous of kevin

it's not fucking fair

if i could meet someone like you

idk if i could ever leave them

only way i see it breaking

is if they leave me"

starburst

Guise I can fit 13 starburst in my mouth.

also. worst decision of my life.
I'll never eat another starburst

huh

ok so we might not be together anymore.

but you're still living with me...sleeping in my bed...being intimate...

and at the same time you're messing around with dating apps like Tinder and Swipe?

wow. some things never change.

its funny cause you're actually a bad juggler.

This kid

Yeah I thought I knew you.

Nope.

Still don't get you.

Dat lying face plus my belief in you being honest with me equals unhappy me and wicked little you.

Lyrics of the Day:
Yes I make mistakes that I don't ever make excuses for 
Like leaving girls that love me and constantly seducing hoes
-Money on the Brightside (Lil Wayne, The Killers, Drake)


LOL no wonder these are your favorite lines.

I hate you.

But I love you.

Excuse me while my life becomes a Stacie Orrico song.

lolfuckyou

TEEHEE

teehee
I got a 103 on my arts entrepreneurship test hahahahahahaha

pretty sure the last time I scored that high on a test was back in high school

Safe

Do you know why I smoke and do molly with you?
These are things I would have never EVER done.
I mean I look back at our old conversations where I'm sad and mad at you for not trying to get your friends to stop smoking.

I do them because I trust you completely.  I trust that you'll be there to take care of me when I start to freak out.  Especially on molly.
Having you there with me made me feel so safe. During those times you were litrally the only thing in the world that I needed.

Frailty

Today, I think I really realized how fragile life is and how much we take it for granted.
We often complain about our appearances, saying we're too fat or our eyes are so small or our noses are off-center.

Today, while realizing a book my uncle gave me could be used as a literary source, I searched for the author, got distracted by the famous picture of  "the afghan girl", which in turn distracted me to the story of bibi aesha, the girl whose nose and ears were sliced off by her husband.  Then for some unknown reason I was reading up on my marvel superheros and noticed one of the villains was called "the man without a face".  I was reminded of Aesha and spent the next two hours reading about victims of horrific accidents who had to undergo facial transplants and other types of transplants.  Many of the patients were either victims of shotguns to the face or were electrified directly on the face.  Several men were the small statistic of people who have very rare genetic defects that result in enormous tumors and skin flaps that covered their entire faces and caused them to go blind. One woman had her face and hands ripped off by a supposedly tame chimpanzee.
While it horrified me, it really reminded me how easy it is to be living your life without a care in the world then suddenly the next moment, you are maimed and disfigured for life.  Everything can be taken away in a single moment.

It really made me reevaluate my life.  I know I say a lot of the time that I'm too short, I'm getting kinda chubby, my knees are too crooked, but I also know that in God's eyes and your eyes, I'm perfect.
I remember once my mom told me about the day I was born and how she feared so much that I would have a defect and how happy she was when she saw that I was a normal little baby.  She was afraid because of the fact that the risk of birth defects and Down's Syndrome increase after the age of 35.  She had me at 36.

It really made me realize that I have no right to complain about myself.  I had no right to try to cut my wrists as a teenager.  I had no right to want more.

I have a wonderful life.  Parents who love me.  Sisters who love me (begrudgingly).  A boyfriend who loves me so much he has got to be my soul mate.  And even if he doesn't turn out to be my match, I'll always have God who has loved me more infinitely than all those combined.

But. I think it'll work out.  I love the guy.

Double Feature

Welp. that makes for the second night in a row that I've cried myself to sleep.
I wonder how long my streak will last.

Song of my current mood:
When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know

...

Gave you the space so you could breath,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me
-Adele, Don't You Remember

Adele knows what's up

                                                                      "Take It All"

Didn't I give it all,
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less?
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to
Well, having me around.
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here.

[Chorus:]
But go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

Maybe I should leave
To help you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need.
So is it over?
Is this really it?
You've given up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this.

[Chorus:]
But go on, go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

I will change if I must.
Slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew,
Everything I do is for you.

[Chorus:]
But go on
Go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love.

Ew

The worst feeling in the world is probably waking up in the morning after crying yourself to sleep.
The puffy eyes -____-

Dat Meltdown

It's funny how when I want to talk about something that's been bugging me, I ask if we can have a serious talk.

When you wanna talk about something that's been bugging you..oh wait you don't wanna talk.  You just flip out and break up with me.

huh.

So I guess neither of us knows how to change.

Mute

I wonder why you think silence means that I don't respect you.
Besides the times that I am doing something and you ask me a question and I don't respond.
And don't lie. you do that too.

I'm talking about the times when you ask me something and I don't answer or acknowledge because I am THINKING.

Did you ever think that its because I am so afraid of what you might think of my answer that I just don't say anything?

And another thing.  Apparently, my dear roommate worries about the same things you do.  Mr. Guitarist and I had quite an interesting heart to heart after you left.  We agreed.  Just cause you're doing things, doesn't mean you're doing things.
You rag on me that "i don't have a plan in life"
I know my options.  I can go to graduate school, get my degree and I can teach and do research.  Or I can go into public history.  Public history has a huge range of things I could do.
You seriously think I'm only passionate about something because I took one class? You seriously think its because of one class?  Remember how I took Latin all through high school?  Remember how it was my favorite class?  Remember how I won an award?  And did you ever realize how much I loved mythology?  Remember when I taught it to you that one time?  And you weren't even paying attention to me.  All you cared about was your penis.
I know my options.

Don't try to belittle me, saying that the highlight of my life is working at a frozen yogurt place.  First off, its a part-time job.  Secondly, I don't mind working there, the people are  nice and I like it.  Third, calm your tits.

And what about you?  You said this just the other night.  You're only planning on doing collegeworks this year.  I asked what you want to do after that. You said "I dunno...real estate I guess"
OHMIGOSH it looks like you have as much planned as I do.  look at that.

Quit acting like you have everything planned out.  You can't plan for life.

And yeah I know you're going to have some amazing stupid argument to shut me down later.
Cause that's what you do. You shut me down.