I don't know whats fucking sadder. the fact that I don't believe someone can be your perfect match, your soul mate anymore, or that I dont even fucking believe in love anymore.
how can you even trust your whole self to another person when in almost every instance they will fucking let you down.
"love is weakness"
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Monday, November 17, 2014
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss you.
I wish that I didn't have to do this, but this is the only way I know how to deal.
I don't mean to replace you. I just want to find someone who might be able to not fill up the you-shaped hole, but instead help me forget about it.
keepgoingkeepgoingkeepgoing
Let's say we keep up our 5 year cycle of breaking up, not talking, missing each other too much, getting back together. I miss you so much. I want to be with you. You are my dream. But you've hurt me so many times. This is exhausting. I can't keep this up. Over and over, you hurt me...when have I ever hurt you? When we aren't together I shut down and I try to forget about you and I do stupid things and stupid boys. You send me a text saying how much you miss me and you made a mistake time after time. I forgive you because I desperately want you back. You tell me that those things I did because I was hurting so badly hurt you and pain you, but I don't see it. You keep doing the same things over and over and I forgive you over and over. This is exhausting.
Let's say we don't and we are over for real. How many times have you said those words? How many times have I said those words? This time feels different. How many times have I said that?
But it really does this time. Tempers flare and we take our time to cool off. The first time you told me 6 months after it happened and you cried. I forgave you. The second time we were in a constant state of bickering over stupid things and I was almost glad I found out. I forgave you. I missed you so much in that 6 months we were apart. I still texted you, saw you, and hooked up plenty of times. But I didn't have you. When I became the person I hated the most, I couldn't be happier. It looked like I might be able to get you back. But you kept me strung out on a short leash, toying with my emotions no two girls emotions because you just couldn't be a jerk even though you told me that you wanted to be with me. I forgave you. I never understood. Why can't you just say no? We had a happy almost 9 months together after that. Then I went on study abroad. I thought you'd be happy for me. I was learning so much and I found something that I would actually want to do for the rest of my life. I thought you'd be proud of me. I came back and things were the same but they were different. I don't know what you had been up to that summer and I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I still do. But things were different. One thing that I learned was that even though I loved and missed you so much, I was beginning to understand that I can live without you. That doesn't mean I want to.
This time was worse than any of the other times. You both might say that nothing happened that night, but it was still worse. You brought her home into our bed. You saw me sleeping in our bed and you went to Patrick's room to be with her. You cuddled with her in our bed. You didn't even notice that I was gone. When you finally woke up, you stayed in there with her. You came out and saw that I was there and instead of talking to me, you went back in there with her. Yes I took your wallet and your keys. Yes that was foolish of me. Yes I should not have driven away. But how did you have any right to be pissed at me when you brought a stripper home into our bed. I was hoping to forget for a little while and just go to class but you made me go back. You believed her story and what's worse, you believed her over me. You took her side. I still don't know what hurts more. The fact that you cuddled with her in our bed or that you believed her over me. That day I had to do something I've never done before. I had to actually call a friend and tell her what was going on while hysterically crying. Joyce told me later that she asked if I had cried and you told her, "nah, she never cries." If only you knew. No, I think what is worse is that you still continue to see her. But I really, really, really wonder how long that will last. Honest to god, I am incredibly curious. Will you continue the cycle?
I think I finally understand. You might say you love me and you might in your own twisted way, but to you I'm just someone comfortable to fall back on. I'm the one who was always there, no matter how badly you fucked up with me. I was always there for you. I'm the one who is there with you at the end of the day, waiting to eat, have sex, and fall asleep with. I'm the safe choice. But that's not what you want. That's why you have never said no to a girl who hits you up. You might beat around the bush, but you keep them around. It's because the moment I do something you don't like, you go to them and complain about me.
Even after all these years, I still don't understand you.
I probably never will.
You were my dream.
I wish that I didn't have to do this, but this is the only way I know how to deal.
I don't mean to replace you. I just want to find someone who might be able to not fill up the you-shaped hole, but instead help me forget about it.
keepgoingkeepgoingkeepgoing
Let's say we keep up our 5 year cycle of breaking up, not talking, missing each other too much, getting back together. I miss you so much. I want to be with you. You are my dream. But you've hurt me so many times. This is exhausting. I can't keep this up. Over and over, you hurt me...when have I ever hurt you? When we aren't together I shut down and I try to forget about you and I do stupid things and stupid boys. You send me a text saying how much you miss me and you made a mistake time after time. I forgive you because I desperately want you back. You tell me that those things I did because I was hurting so badly hurt you and pain you, but I don't see it. You keep doing the same things over and over and I forgive you over and over. This is exhausting.
Let's say we don't and we are over for real. How many times have you said those words? How many times have I said those words? This time feels different. How many times have I said that?
But it really does this time. Tempers flare and we take our time to cool off. The first time you told me 6 months after it happened and you cried. I forgave you. The second time we were in a constant state of bickering over stupid things and I was almost glad I found out. I forgave you. I missed you so much in that 6 months we were apart. I still texted you, saw you, and hooked up plenty of times. But I didn't have you. When I became the person I hated the most, I couldn't be happier. It looked like I might be able to get you back. But you kept me strung out on a short leash, toying with my emotions no two girls emotions because you just couldn't be a jerk even though you told me that you wanted to be with me. I forgave you. I never understood. Why can't you just say no? We had a happy almost 9 months together after that. Then I went on study abroad. I thought you'd be happy for me. I was learning so much and I found something that I would actually want to do for the rest of my life. I thought you'd be proud of me. I came back and things were the same but they were different. I don't know what you had been up to that summer and I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I still do. But things were different. One thing that I learned was that even though I loved and missed you so much, I was beginning to understand that I can live without you. That doesn't mean I want to.
This time was worse than any of the other times. You both might say that nothing happened that night, but it was still worse. You brought her home into our bed. You saw me sleeping in our bed and you went to Patrick's room to be with her. You cuddled with her in our bed. You didn't even notice that I was gone. When you finally woke up, you stayed in there with her. You came out and saw that I was there and instead of talking to me, you went back in there with her. Yes I took your wallet and your keys. Yes that was foolish of me. Yes I should not have driven away. But how did you have any right to be pissed at me when you brought a stripper home into our bed. I was hoping to forget for a little while and just go to class but you made me go back. You believed her story and what's worse, you believed her over me. You took her side. I still don't know what hurts more. The fact that you cuddled with her in our bed or that you believed her over me. That day I had to do something I've never done before. I had to actually call a friend and tell her what was going on while hysterically crying. Joyce told me later that she asked if I had cried and you told her, "nah, she never cries." If only you knew. No, I think what is worse is that you still continue to see her. But I really, really, really wonder how long that will last. Honest to god, I am incredibly curious. Will you continue the cycle?
I think I finally understand. You might say you love me and you might in your own twisted way, but to you I'm just someone comfortable to fall back on. I'm the one who was always there, no matter how badly you fucked up with me. I was always there for you. I'm the one who is there with you at the end of the day, waiting to eat, have sex, and fall asleep with. I'm the safe choice. But that's not what you want. That's why you have never said no to a girl who hits you up. You might beat around the bush, but you keep them around. It's because the moment I do something you don't like, you go to them and complain about me.
Even after all these years, I still don't understand you.
I probably never will.
You were my dream.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
I thought I did. I really did.
"You're going to honestly tell me that you found love at 17? Don't give me that horse shit."
OKAY FIRST OF ALL I WAS 16.
But really though. oh my god. That really hurts.
Now I don't know. I put 3 and a half years of my life into this and now what?
What do I have to show for it?
Nothing but a broken heart, a shitty GPA, and a renewed appetite for alcohol.
What am I doing?
What the hell did I do last Friday night. Who am I turning into.
I don't think I've ever gotten that drunk or done such stupid things.
I saw you today. It's changed. You're still so easy to talk to, but now there's so much tension. There's no free and easy contact. No holding hands. No brushing arms. No hugging.
Though actually you did try quite a bit. I had my guard up like mad.
I don't know what you want from me. I guess you consider yourself a free agent, but I can't see you that way. You basically live with her. You're dating all but in name.
Which also kinda pisses me off since it was her fault for you getting charged with possession and you're like not even mad about it. If that had been us, you would have dumped me on the spot, making a huge scene, stomping out, leaving me to pick up the pieces, waiting for you to call only to hear you say you want all your stuff in a bag. yeah I'm familiar with the drill.
It seemed like you kept trying to say something. But you wouldn't. Even when I directly asked.
So basically I can't tell if you're just too proud to say it or you're the world's biggest ass.
Lyrics of the Day:
There's a stranger in my bed
There's a pounding in my head
This a hickey or a bruise?
It's a blacked out blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled
Damn
And we took to many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
-Katy Perry, "Last Friday Night"
OKAY FIRST OF ALL I WAS 16.
But really though. oh my god. That really hurts.
Now I don't know. I put 3 and a half years of my life into this and now what?
What do I have to show for it?
Nothing but a broken heart, a shitty GPA, and a renewed appetite for alcohol.
What am I doing?
What the hell did I do last Friday night. Who am I turning into.
I don't think I've ever gotten that drunk or done such stupid things.
I saw you today. It's changed. You're still so easy to talk to, but now there's so much tension. There's no free and easy contact. No holding hands. No brushing arms. No hugging.
Though actually you did try quite a bit. I had my guard up like mad.
I don't know what you want from me. I guess you consider yourself a free agent, but I can't see you that way. You basically live with her. You're dating all but in name.
Which also kinda pisses me off since it was her fault for you getting charged with possession and you're like not even mad about it. If that had been us, you would have dumped me on the spot, making a huge scene, stomping out, leaving me to pick up the pieces, waiting for you to call only to hear you say you want all your stuff in a bag. yeah I'm familiar with the drill.
It seemed like you kept trying to say something. But you wouldn't. Even when I directly asked.
So basically I can't tell if you're just too proud to say it or you're the world's biggest ass.
Lyrics of the Day:
There's a stranger in my bed
There's a pounding in my head
This a hickey or a bruise?
It's a blacked out blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled
Damn
And we took to many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
-Katy Perry, "Last Friday Night"
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
My faith in Humanity is restored
"Some people seek families.
Some people seek the best job.
But all I want is to find somebody
man, doesn't matter if I'm 29 or 49
To be able to realize that everything
I've done in my life led to the moment
I was able to meet her.
All I ask."
To be able to hear one of your closest friends actually say that just melts your heart.
Especially when our world has just flipped upside down and the people we thought were the closest to us turned out to have been playing us for fools the entire time.
Lyrics of the Day:
Some people seek the best job.
But all I want is to find somebody
man, doesn't matter if I'm 29 or 49
To be able to realize that everything
I've done in my life led to the moment
I was able to meet her.
All I ask."
To be able to hear one of your closest friends actually say that just melts your heart.
Especially when our world has just flipped upside down and the people we thought were the closest to us turned out to have been playing us for fools the entire time.
Lyrics of the Day:
Love of mine, some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son, fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
-Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into The Dark"
Monday, July 22, 2013
sleazy
Mr. Sven you're my last hope that my choice of male friends aren't all dickbags ruled by their hormones.
Shit went down.
Shit went down.
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