I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss you.

I wish that I didn't have to do this, but this is the only way I know how to deal.
I don't mean to replace you.  I just want to find someone who might be able to not fill up the you-shaped hole, but instead help me forget about it.

keepgoingkeepgoingkeepgoing

Let's say we keep up our 5 year cycle of breaking up, not talking, missing each other too much, getting back together.   I miss you so much.  I want to be with you.  You are my dream.  But you've hurt me so many times.  This is exhausting.  I can't keep this up.  Over and over, you hurt me...when have I ever hurt you?  When we aren't together I shut down and I try to forget about you and I do stupid things and stupid boys.  You send me a text saying how much you miss me and you made a mistake time after time.  I forgive you because I desperately want you back.  You tell me that those things I did because I was hurting so badly hurt you and pain you, but I don't see it.  You keep doing the same things over and over and I forgive you over and over.  This is exhausting.

Let's say we don't and we are over for real.  How many times have you said those words? How many times have I said those words?  This time feels different.  How many times have I said that?
But it really does this time.  Tempers flare and we take our time to cool off.  The first time you told me 6 months after it happened and you cried.  I forgave you. The second time we were in a constant state of bickering over stupid things and I was almost glad I found out.  I forgave you.  I missed you so much in that 6 months we were apart.  I still texted you, saw you, and hooked up plenty of times.  But I didn't have you.  When I became the person I hated the most, I couldn't be happier.  It looked like I might be able to get you back.  But you kept me strung out on a short leash, toying with my emotions no two girls emotions because you just couldn't be a jerk even though you told me that you wanted to be with me.  I forgave you.  I never understood.  Why can't you just say no? We had a happy almost 9 months together after that.  Then I went on study abroad.  I thought you'd be happy for me.  I was learning so much and I found something that I would actually want to do for the rest of my life.  I thought you'd be proud of me.  I came back and things were the same but they were different.  I don't know what you had been up to that summer and I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I still do.  But things were different.  One thing that I learned was that even though I loved and missed you so much, I was beginning to understand that I can live without you.  That doesn't mean I want to.  

This time was worse than any of the other times.  You both might say that nothing happened that night, but it was still worse.  You brought her home into our bed.  You saw me sleeping in our bed and you went to Patrick's room to be with her.  You cuddled with her in our bed.  You didn't even notice that I was gone.  When you finally woke up, you stayed in there with her.  You came out and saw that I was there and instead of talking to me, you went back in there with her.  Yes I took your wallet and your keys.  Yes that was foolish of me.  Yes I should not have driven away.  But how did you have any right to be pissed at me when you brought a stripper home into our bed.  I was hoping to forget for a little while and just go to class but you made me go back.  You believed her story and what's worse, you believed her over me.  You took her side.  I still don't know what hurts more.  The fact that you cuddled with her in our bed or that you believed her over me.  That day I had to do something I've never done before.  I had to actually call a friend and tell her what was going on while hysterically crying.  Joyce told me later that she asked if I had cried and you told her, "nah, she never cries."  If only you knew.  No, I think what is worse is that you still continue to see her.  But I really, really, really wonder how long that will last.  Honest to god, I am incredibly curious.  Will you continue the cycle?

I think I finally understand.  You might say you love me and you might in your own twisted way, but to you I'm just someone comfortable to fall back on.  I'm the one who was always there, no matter how badly you fucked up with me.  I was always there for you.  I'm the one who is there with you at the end of the day, waiting to eat, have sex, and fall asleep with.  I'm the safe choice.  But that's not what you want.  That's why you have never said no to a girl who hits you up.  You might beat around the bush, but you keep them around.  It's because the moment I do something you don't like, you go to them and complain about me.

Even after all these years, I still don't understand you.

I probably never will.


You were my dream.